denying self

This book has messed with my head. Even though I am supposed to be focusing on food this month, simplifying in that area, I keep thinking about buying local, giving away things I don't really need, gifting a homeless person with a bag full of food, buying clothes made in places where workers receive a fair wage, etc. etc. etc (from the other chapters in the book). Since I finished the book, I'm realizing it's a lot to take in all at once. I find myself speaking passionately about a topic (apologies to my husband who has to listen to the rambling pre-formed thoughts), even while I have little to no clue about what any of it means for my own every day life. Jesus, please don't let me off the hook without responding in real, tangible ways! I want to put feet to the stirrings I feel, but I'm not sure what that looks like.

As far as the food month is going, I'm terrible at this. For the most part, I have stuck with my list of no's (do yogurt covered raisins count as "candy"?), but I want something sugary so badly my mouth waters when I think about it. I realize I depend on a treat a lot more than I ever thought. I have a tedious project to focus on at work, I'll get some chocolate. My daughter was especially rowdy and wiggly at bedtime, I deserve an extra large scoop of ice cream. My favorite show is on and it's more fun to watch with a cookie and milk. Food - and in my case right now, sugar - is constantly on my mind. How can I say I come even sort of close to denying myself in any kind of spiritual sense, when I struggle so much to just deny myself sugar?

My big slip up came this past weekend. We had a long road trip to visit my parents, so right away, my no fast food rule was called in to question. Packing snacks and a lunch just sounded... bleh. I decided a breakfast sandwich from Starbucks and veggie delite from Subway don't count as fast food. I did resist the temptation of a half calf caramel machiatto. So I feel okay about the drive up. However, on the way home, my daughter announced it was time for a bathroom stop right about the time I was starting to look for a Subway. Luckily, there is a Subway at pretty much every exit along the 4 hour drive between our house and my parent's house, so the next exit I saw the familiar sign. I drove down the street, looking hard. And passed Burger Bar. One of those mom and pop shops where there's a crowd outside and you can just tell it's delicious. I kept driving, noting it but eyes still peeled for Subway. The kiddo was saying insistently she had to go to the bathroom, I was looking for Subway... and nothing. No sign of it. So I chocked it up to the necessity of needing to get to a potty and consoled myself with a really yummy cheeseburger, the fact that I did see them put our hamburger patties on the grill fresh out of the fridge, and the comfort that at least I was supporting the small town local economy. This is not as easy as I thought it would be, and I'm not even going to the extreme that my 7 companions are.

I've thought more than once, why am I doing this? What is the point? I'm not sure I have an answer there yet. But one friend suggested the idea of a prayer focus for the month, so I have a dual prayer focus: every time I notice myself craving one of my no items, I'm going to pray about what God wants to teach me through this, as well as for my husband. I've heard many wise wives say that the best thing we can do for our husbands is pray. I'm terrible at this. If there's something big going on, then I rally, but as far as the day to day lifting him up goes, I just don't often think about it. And he's one of my top favorite people, so that's sort of ridiculous. It's been hitting me lately that God is at work in the hearts and lives of people all around me, including my family members. I'd love to become more intentional about seeking to see how God would want to use me in the work He is doing in my own husband's life. What a revolutionary thought.