I am a big cheater when it comes to this fasting for a month thing. I never thought I would be so bad at giving up little things like sugar or coffee! Fasting from fast food hasn't been that hard, except for the weekend we were out of town and I ate at Burger Bar. Even avoiding the frozen food section hasn't been difficult - although I don't know that this has helped me simply my meal planning either. I commend my girlfriends who are going to much greater extremes to live simply in the area of food this month. A chocolate chip cookie here, a cup of half caffeinated coffee there. Yup, a big, fat cheater. There's something to be said for trying not to be legalistic about this. And I've said often in my head that I don't want to be so focused on the actions I am taking that I am missing the heart of what this is about (sacrifice, satisfaction in Christ). But I can't help feel like I'm missing the mark. Not in a "I'm not good enough" kind of way (although that's true, too), but what am I supposed to be getting from all this?
Our family is in a bit of a transition this year. Baby number 2 is on his way (we're delighted), and we're facing some decisions about job changes, potential reduction to a 1 income household as opposed to the 1 1/2 income we currently enjoy, child care arrangements, maybe even a move is in our future. We're talking about cutting our monthly expenses, health insurance needs, how to decorate the baby's room... my head feels about to explode many days. I'm a doer, I work to get things done. I take action. But lately I have felt paralyzed and trapped in an avoidance mindset. I'm not even completely sure how this relates to cutting out sugar. Maybe because I am in a place where I am periodically gripped by something close to panic and ideas spin through my head about myself, my life, my wants. And yet I am trying to use this reduction in food to deny myself, focus on what God is saying to me and rise above the things of this world. But then the here and now stuff needs to be dealt with, too. Where is the balance?
I told you this blog would hold no great theological insight or fancy shmancy answers. Today, I'm a mess. But at least I am a Jesus-loving mess. Or I am trying to be.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Monday, May 7, 2012
denying self
This book has messed with my head. Even though I am supposed to be focusing on food this month, simplifying in that area, I keep thinking about buying local, giving away things I don't really need, gifting a homeless person with a bag full of food, buying clothes made in places where workers receive a fair wage, etc. etc. etc (from the other chapters in the book). Since I finished the book, I'm realizing it's a lot to take in all at once. I find myself speaking passionately about a topic (apologies to my husband who has to listen to the rambling pre-formed thoughts), even while I have little to no clue about what any of it means for my own every day life. Jesus, please don't let me off the hook without responding in real, tangible ways! I want to put feet to the stirrings I feel, but I'm not sure what that looks like.
As far as the food month is going, I'm terrible at this. For the most part, I have stuck with my list of no's (do yogurt covered raisins count as "candy"?), but I want something sugary so badly my mouth waters when I think about it. I realize I depend on a treat a lot more than I ever thought. I have a tedious project to focus on at work, I'll get some chocolate. My daughter was especially rowdy and wiggly at bedtime, I deserve an extra large scoop of ice cream. My favorite show is on and it's more fun to watch with a cookie and milk. Food - and in my case right now, sugar - is constantly on my mind. How can I say I come even sort of close to denying myself in any kind of spiritual sense, when I struggle so much to just deny myself sugar?
My big slip up came this past weekend. We had a long road trip to visit my parents, so right away, my no fast food rule was called in to question. Packing snacks and a lunch just sounded... bleh. I decided a breakfast sandwich from Starbucks and veggie delite from Subway don't count as fast food. I did resist the temptation of a half calf caramel machiatto. So I feel okay about the drive up. However, on the way home, my daughter announced it was time for a bathroom stop right about the time I was starting to look for a Subway. Luckily, there is a Subway at pretty much every exit along the 4 hour drive between our house and my parent's house, so the next exit I saw the familiar sign. I drove down the street, looking hard. And passed Burger Bar. One of those mom and pop shops where there's a crowd outside and you can just tell it's delicious. I kept driving, noting it but eyes still peeled for Subway. The kiddo was saying insistently she had to go to the bathroom, I was looking for Subway... and nothing. No sign of it. So I chocked it up to the necessity of needing to get to a potty and consoled myself with a really yummy cheeseburger, the fact that I did see them put our hamburger patties on the grill fresh out of the fridge, and the comfort that at least I was supporting the small town local economy. This is not as easy as I thought it would be, and I'm not even going to the extreme that my 7 companions are.
I've thought more than once, why am I doing this? What is the point? I'm not sure I have an answer there yet. But one friend suggested the idea of a prayer focus for the month, so I have a dual prayer focus: every time I notice myself craving one of my no items, I'm going to pray about what God wants to teach me through this, as well as for my husband. I've heard many wise wives say that the best thing we can do for our husbands is pray. I'm terrible at this. If there's something big going on, then I rally, but as far as the day to day lifting him up goes, I just don't often think about it. And he's one of my top favorite people, so that's sort of ridiculous. It's been hitting me lately that God is at work in the hearts and lives of people all around me, including my family members. I'd love to become more intentional about seeking to see how God would want to use me in the work He is doing in my own husband's life. What a revolutionary thought.
As far as the food month is going, I'm terrible at this. For the most part, I have stuck with my list of no's (do yogurt covered raisins count as "candy"?), but I want something sugary so badly my mouth waters when I think about it. I realize I depend on a treat a lot more than I ever thought. I have a tedious project to focus on at work, I'll get some chocolate. My daughter was especially rowdy and wiggly at bedtime, I deserve an extra large scoop of ice cream. My favorite show is on and it's more fun to watch with a cookie and milk. Food - and in my case right now, sugar - is constantly on my mind. How can I say I come even sort of close to denying myself in any kind of spiritual sense, when I struggle so much to just deny myself sugar?
My big slip up came this past weekend. We had a long road trip to visit my parents, so right away, my no fast food rule was called in to question. Packing snacks and a lunch just sounded... bleh. I decided a breakfast sandwich from Starbucks and veggie delite from Subway don't count as fast food. I did resist the temptation of a half calf caramel machiatto. So I feel okay about the drive up. However, on the way home, my daughter announced it was time for a bathroom stop right about the time I was starting to look for a Subway. Luckily, there is a Subway at pretty much every exit along the 4 hour drive between our house and my parent's house, so the next exit I saw the familiar sign. I drove down the street, looking hard. And passed Burger Bar. One of those mom and pop shops where there's a crowd outside and you can just tell it's delicious. I kept driving, noting it but eyes still peeled for Subway. The kiddo was saying insistently she had to go to the bathroom, I was looking for Subway... and nothing. No sign of it. So I chocked it up to the necessity of needing to get to a potty and consoled myself with a really yummy cheeseburger, the fact that I did see them put our hamburger patties on the grill fresh out of the fridge, and the comfort that at least I was supporting the small town local economy. This is not as easy as I thought it would be, and I'm not even going to the extreme that my 7 companions are.
I've thought more than once, why am I doing this? What is the point? I'm not sure I have an answer there yet. But one friend suggested the idea of a prayer focus for the month, so I have a dual prayer focus: every time I notice myself craving one of my no items, I'm going to pray about what God wants to teach me through this, as well as for my husband. I've heard many wise wives say that the best thing we can do for our husbands is pray. I'm terrible at this. If there's something big going on, then I rally, but as far as the day to day lifting him up goes, I just don't often think about it. And he's one of my top favorite people, so that's sort of ridiculous. It's been hitting me lately that God is at work in the hearts and lives of people all around me, including my family members. I'd love to become more intentional about seeking to see how God would want to use me in the work He is doing in my own husband's life. What a revolutionary thought.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
the 7 adventure
Several weeks ago a friend told me about a book she was reading called 7, by Jen Hatmaker. The subtitle is: "an experimental mutiny against excess." Over the course of 10 months, Jen engaged in a series of 4 week fasts from clothes, spending, waste, food, possessions, media, and stress, respectively. Each month, she went to the extreme and made some radical life alterations - ate only 7 foods, wore only 7 articles of clothing, gave away 7 items for every day of the month, and so on. The purpose? Her prayer was "Jesus, may there be less of me and my junk and more of You and Your kingdom" (pg. 16).
Intrigued? So was I. So I bought the book. I had it shipped to my work, to avoid paying tax. Several other friends were already reading it, so the anticipation of its arrival was great. I ripped it open in my office, and dove in - work cast aside momentarily. Within the first two pages, I alternately laughed out loud, pondered thoughtfully her words, and was moved to tears.
Seven gals from my church are embarking on our own 7 adventure, starting this month: food. Most of my friends are following Jen's example and selecting 7 food items to eat for the entire month (for example, Jen's foods were chicken, avocado, sweet potato, whole wheat bread, spinach, apples, and eggs. Salt, pepper and olive oil were the only permitted additive ingredients). One friend has chosen to fast by eating only the food of a particular ethnic group she has a heart for. This month will be a little different for me, since I am pregnant and it's probably not wise to restrict my diet to 7 food items, since I am hungry all the time and would like to think I eat well enough to give our little guy a wide variety of nutrients. But I will be fasting in my own way:
- No sugar (unless it's an ingredient in an otherwise healthy food item)
- No prepared food from the refrigerated/frozen/boxed food sections
- No fast food
- Permitted beverages: water, OJ, milk
There are a lot of reasons I was drawn to join my friends in this experiment. I'll be honest and say that one reason is that I love these girls so much and respect them greatly. Wanting to join the fun can't always be a bad thing, right?
But I've been wondering for awhile now what it REALLY looks like in suburban America to follow Jesus. The discomfort with living life as we know it ebbs and flows, and probably most days I'm pretty happy with my little Christian life. But then these thoughts pierce me that surely there's more. I don't even really know what more looks like, but it's that nagging question - am I really living the kind of life that Jesus would want me to live? Am I making the kind of impact for his kingdom that he would want me to make? Too often my life looks pretty much like every other suburbanite, Christian or not. I don't think global long term missions is in my immediate path (I think my husband might have a heart attack if I told him I thought God was calling us overseas). So, then, what? What is my part in God's work? Where is he inviting me to join him in what he is doing in the hearts and lives of those in my immediate sphere of influence? And why does it seem like so often the American church (myself included) is just a little bit too American? Are we blending in so much that the Jesus I love is obscurred?
I've started and stopped this blog a couple times now (see my first and only post, dated September 2011). Perhaps now is a good time to resurrect it. Here's the thing though - this blog is mostly for me. I suppose the fact that I am putting it on the internet might contradict that - as my husband pointed out - but really, I just want to write. Even if no one reads it, I am going to keep writing, at least for now. I think writing keeps me honest, it helps me get my thoughts out of my head where they just circle and get all jumbled. And in the case of 7, I'm hoping writing my experiences out will help to hold me accountable. I don't want to be legalistic about 7, but I do want to stick it out and give God a chance to speak. It all feels a little crazy and who knows, maybe this is just one more bandwagon that the church is starting to jump on. My hope and prayer though is that I would be changed to be more like Jesus. That through this my heart would be brought more in line with God's heart and that I would more and more live with hands open for whatever it is that God has in mind for me and my little family.
So here we go! Feel free to join me, even if only just to shake your head and smile at the ridiculousness of it all.
Intrigued? So was I. So I bought the book. I had it shipped to my work, to avoid paying tax. Several other friends were already reading it, so the anticipation of its arrival was great. I ripped it open in my office, and dove in - work cast aside momentarily. Within the first two pages, I alternately laughed out loud, pondered thoughtfully her words, and was moved to tears.
Seven gals from my church are embarking on our own 7 adventure, starting this month: food. Most of my friends are following Jen's example and selecting 7 food items to eat for the entire month (for example, Jen's foods were chicken, avocado, sweet potato, whole wheat bread, spinach, apples, and eggs. Salt, pepper and olive oil were the only permitted additive ingredients). One friend has chosen to fast by eating only the food of a particular ethnic group she has a heart for. This month will be a little different for me, since I am pregnant and it's probably not wise to restrict my diet to 7 food items, since I am hungry all the time and would like to think I eat well enough to give our little guy a wide variety of nutrients. But I will be fasting in my own way:
- No sugar (unless it's an ingredient in an otherwise healthy food item)
- No prepared food from the refrigerated/frozen/boxed food sections
- No fast food
- Permitted beverages: water, OJ, milk
There are a lot of reasons I was drawn to join my friends in this experiment. I'll be honest and say that one reason is that I love these girls so much and respect them greatly. Wanting to join the fun can't always be a bad thing, right?
But I've been wondering for awhile now what it REALLY looks like in suburban America to follow Jesus. The discomfort with living life as we know it ebbs and flows, and probably most days I'm pretty happy with my little Christian life. But then these thoughts pierce me that surely there's more. I don't even really know what more looks like, but it's that nagging question - am I really living the kind of life that Jesus would want me to live? Am I making the kind of impact for his kingdom that he would want me to make? Too often my life looks pretty much like every other suburbanite, Christian or not. I don't think global long term missions is in my immediate path (I think my husband might have a heart attack if I told him I thought God was calling us overseas). So, then, what? What is my part in God's work? Where is he inviting me to join him in what he is doing in the hearts and lives of those in my immediate sphere of influence? And why does it seem like so often the American church (myself included) is just a little bit too American? Are we blending in so much that the Jesus I love is obscurred?
I've started and stopped this blog a couple times now (see my first and only post, dated September 2011). Perhaps now is a good time to resurrect it. Here's the thing though - this blog is mostly for me. I suppose the fact that I am putting it on the internet might contradict that - as my husband pointed out - but really, I just want to write. Even if no one reads it, I am going to keep writing, at least for now. I think writing keeps me honest, it helps me get my thoughts out of my head where they just circle and get all jumbled. And in the case of 7, I'm hoping writing my experiences out will help to hold me accountable. I don't want to be legalistic about 7, but I do want to stick it out and give God a chance to speak. It all feels a little crazy and who knows, maybe this is just one more bandwagon that the church is starting to jump on. My hope and prayer though is that I would be changed to be more like Jesus. That through this my heart would be brought more in line with God's heart and that I would more and more live with hands open for whatever it is that God has in mind for me and my little family.
So here we go! Feel free to join me, even if only just to shake your head and smile at the ridiculousness of it all.
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