hello, my name is sara, and I am a cheater

I am a big cheater when it comes to this fasting for a month thing. I never thought I would be so bad at giving up little things like sugar or coffee! Fasting from fast food hasn't been that hard, except for the weekend we were out of town and I ate at Burger Bar. Even avoiding the frozen food section hasn't been difficult - although I don't know that this has helped me simply  my meal planning either. I commend my girlfriends who are going to much greater extremes to live simply in the area of food this month. A chocolate chip cookie here, a cup of half caffeinated coffee there. Yup, a big, fat cheater. There's something to be said for trying not to be legalistic about this. And I've said often in my head that I don't want to be so focused on the actions I am taking that I am missing the heart of what this is about (sacrifice, satisfaction in Christ). But I can't help feel like I'm missing the mark. Not in a "I'm not good enough" kind of way (although that's true, too), but what am I supposed to be getting from all this?

Our family is in a bit of a transition this year. Baby number 2 is on his way (we're delighted), and we're facing some decisions about job changes, potential reduction to a 1 income household as opposed to the 1 1/2 income we currently enjoy, child care arrangements, maybe even a move is in our future. We're talking about cutting our monthly expenses, health insurance needs, how to decorate the baby's room... my head feels about to explode many days. I'm a doer, I work to get things done. I take action. But lately I have felt paralyzed and trapped in an avoidance mindset. I'm not even completely sure how this relates to cutting out sugar. Maybe because I am in a place where I am periodically gripped by something close to panic and ideas spin through my head about myself, my life, my wants. And yet I am trying to use this reduction in food to deny myself, focus on what God is saying to me and rise above the things of this world. But then the here and now stuff needs to be dealt with, too. Where is the balance?

I told you this blog would hold no great theological insight or fancy shmancy answers. Today, I'm a mess. But at least I am a Jesus-loving mess. Or I am trying to be.