being broken and poured out

I have thoughts whirling around my head and I know I need to write them out, but I am not sure where to start.

These past few weeks, I've been feeling heavy and burdened by my own selfishness and inward focus. I keep thinking, how is it that I have been a Christian for 16 years and am only now realizing some things that seem so basic and central to the Christian faith? I feel like a child in my faith, when I've spent years attending church, studying the Bible in both church and academic settings, reading theology and books on Christian living. How is it that I'm only now coming face to face with the concept of living my life in a missional way for Jesus?

I am knee deep in repentance. Forgive me, Jesus. I've missed so many opportunities to love people in Jesus name, to go out into my own neighborhood as a missionary to my community. It's not that I think I've lived in a way that denies my faith, but I've been pursuing growth in Christ while missing the mark.

Acts 11 describes a scene from the early church, where believers in Antioch learned that a devastating famine was coming. The church in Antioch decided they should send whatever help they could to their brothers and sisters.

Do I do this? When I hear of terrible things happening across the globe, across the nation, across my city, my neighborhood, do I drop everything and give of myself, my resources, my time?

Yes and no.

It was just prior to these verses, that we read that it was in Antioch that the Lord's followers were first called Christians. The word Christian means "little Christ". I'd like to know, who coined the term? Was it a follower of Jesus? Someone outside the little church, looking in? Either way, these people were living in such a way that people thought their way of life was worthy of being called "little Christ."

Would my way of life earn the same respect? Would the church throughout America?

We're missing something. I'm missing something.

As if reading Jen Hatmaker's book, 7, didn't mess with me enough, I just finished the prequel, Interrupted. It's all still sinking in. One of the things that has really struck me is her discussion of the Passover as described in the gospels (Luke 22, for example). Hatmaker challenges us to rethink what Jesus meant when he said "Do this, in remembrance of me." Most believers read this scene and incorporate the sacrament of communion into their Christian practices. The bread is Jesus' body, broken for us. The wine is Jesus' blood, poured out for us. Eat the bread, drink the juice, in remembrance of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross. There is a lot of meaning in this ritual, and God has used this teaching to grow my faith in Him.

Hatmaker suggests there is more to draw from this. That when Jesus said "do this" he wasn't merely talking about eating the bread and drinking the wine, but that he was telling his disciples to go out into the world in such a way as to be broken for others, as Jesus was broken for us. To pour themselves out for people, as Jesus poured himself out for us.

That's a whole different spin on the Passover meal that I have never heard before. But so rich and deep in meaning.

And yet in just a few short weeks, we'll be welcoming our 2nd child into our home, circling back around to the newborn stage once again, when it seems like life has just finally settled into a somewhat predictable routine since before having kids. Really, God? Is this really the time to bring conviction to my heart about the need to be more engaged in my community and service toward my neighbors? Is this really the time when you are challenging me to be broken for others, to pour myself out? I remember all too well the first year with our daughter, the feelings of having nothing left to give at the end of the day (heck, by mid-day I was often drained and exhausted). What does all of this look like for a mom with two children under the age of 3, uncertain of how work situations and childcare will play out in the next few months? I know part of the answer may be that God is calling us moms to be broken and poured out for our children, and yes, I believe there is truth here. But I also don't want to use that as an excuse to avoid lifting my eyes higher to the needs beyond my own family.

I can only wonder that God is preparing my heart. Giving me new eyes to begin to see opportunities. Readying me to be in a place of wanting to say Yes, God when I feel that quickening in my spirit that tells me He is doing something and I better be available for Him to use.

Here's my final thought for now. Several good friends are also walking this journey with me, seeking God with fresh eyes, challenging themselves with considering new ways of Christian living. And yes, still pursuing the crazy fasts (still currently in clothing month, by the way, and disliking my 7 items more and more each day - more thoughts here later). As one lovely friend put it, now that God has shown us these truths, we can't just go back to the old patterns we've been used to. If God is leading me toward something new, I can't just ignore it, that would be direct disobedience. Ouch.