today i am pondering...

We make our own decisions, but the Lord alone determines what happens (Proverbs 16:33, CEV).

all is well, child

Every night before I go to bed, I check on my daughter. With the door slightly ajar, light pouring in from the hallway, I look at her lovely 2 year old form, sprawled across her big girl bed, arms often folded on either side of her head, bent out at angles. Her face is so peaceful and perfect. I know I'm the mom, but really? You never saw a more precious thing. I straighten her covers, make sure she's not too hot or cold, kiss her forehead gently. I whisper "I love you, sweetheart," smooth her hair back from her face. "All is well, my little girl."

That last part made it into my routine more recently. We're dealing with more whining and crying these days; I never knew a little one could be so persistent in her requests - well, demands. We still feel like brand new parents, dealing with each new challenge as the wave of her development crests and crashes into us. My patience is being tested. How many times can the word no be uttered!? More often than I'd like to admit, my patience is pushed beyond its limits, and I respond with a word spoken just a bit too harshly. A sharp tone that she's never had much cause to hear before. And even though I catch myself and go to her and say I'm sorry for getting frustrated, it leaves me feeling guilty.

My point is, we've reached a stage where Bumble Bee's world does not always go as she wants. Disappointment, confusion and frustration have entered her days. Sometimes, even hurt. Yes, we believe we're making the best choices for her. But from her little two year old vantage point, she's discovering a semblance of injustice, hardship. And so I lean over her little self, whisper loving words that despite the events of the day which may have been challenging, all is well. She is loved. We care for her. We are looking out for her.

And it hit me, does God lean over my bedside at night and whisper the same words?

I face challenges, discomfort, uncertainty, difficulty. I feel pain, sometimes for very good reasons. I see injustice, I hurt for myself and others. And too often, I whine and fight and cry that things aren't fair, things aren't going the way I want. Maybe sometimes God is grieving with me. Perhaps there are times when I am close to the heart of God and I hurt for the very things that He hurts for. Other times, I am certain He is laughing at my stubbornness, my unwillingness to let go of my insistent petitions and relax into His good plans.

God in His goodness is sovereign and His purposes will prevail. He is trustworthy. He is faithful. He is powerful, more powerful than the broken forces at work on the earth. He is merciful and just. And so despite the events of my day, the things I see and experience which cause me strife, all is well. Does He stroke my hair at night and assure me of this beautiful truth?

All is well, child.

month two: clothing

June is the month of clothing. Or, lack thereof. Well, not exactly. I won't be going completely without, but I am going to follow Jen Hatmaker's example in 7, and choose 7 articles of clothing to wear during the month of June. Undergarments don't count, and shoes count as one item. But I did scale it down to three pairs of shoes - work shoes, tennis shoes, and flip flops. My other 6 items are 2 shirts, a sweater, jeans, a skirt, and a pair of black flowy pants that can be dressed up or down. No accessories, no jewelry. No coat.

Again, being pregnant I feel like this month is a little different for me than it would be were I not pregnant. I say that because besides what I just listed, there aren't more than 5-10 other articles of clothing that I own right now that actually fit me. Being pregnant for me is a little like being in perpetual 7 clothes month - constantly aware of how much stock I place in my appearance and how much I feel pressured to look good so that others will like me, not think badly of me, think I am worth talking to, etc. Ugh, sometimes being a woman in America sucks big time! And I wish I could say that my need to look nice is less so within the church than it is without. But unfortunately that is not the case.

A couple years ago, when I was still on staff with our church youth group, I was having a conversation with an adult co-worker, also in youth ministry at her own church, about the desire to be liked by high school students. We were commiserating about the need to dress the part and look the part - you know, cool, trendy, someone a high school student would be drawn to.

I'm not sure why that conversation has continued to stick with me. Suddenly, it rings so very false. I'm no longer doing youth staff, but if I were, would I really want students to look up to me because I wear nice clothes and know the cool things to say to kids now-a-days (oh, I feel so old right now even typing this!). No. I don't. I don't even want students to look up to me. I want them to see Jesus. Isaiah 53 describes Jesus as a man who had no physical beauty to draw people to him, nothing in his appearance that made him attractive. He was not the dark skinned man with wavy black brown hair and rugged features and a shapely physique (sorry, Jesus, is that kosher to discuss your potential attractiveness as a man?), that we might want for the hero of a story. So why do I feel the need to be the female equivalent? Do I want someone to be attracted to me at any level because I'm gorgeous and wear the latest styles? But I was sitting there with my friend, who loves Jesus, and agreeing that this is part of youth leadership. Huh.

Okay, Jesus, here we go. Speak into whatever space is created by simplifying my clothing choices and reducing my life in this area.

food takeaways

Month one: concluded. Here are my takeaways, in no particular order:

• I have a very minimal tolerance for spiritual disciplines, particularly if they involve a level of discomfort. The idea of putting myself in an uncomfortable situation, no matter how small, is totally foreign to me. This is not good. I know there is a balance between the peace and rest Jesus promises us when we choose to follow him, and the very real and intentional acts of obedience we should begin to engage in out of love for Jesus and a desire to live like him. I'm just not sure where that balance is yet. Legalism has a strong pull for people like me, Type-A, wanting a clear checklist. I know life in Christ isn't like that. But it can't all be about me and what makes me content either.
• Isaiah 58. I'm not sure where to begin with the things that grabbed me about this passage. True, heartfelt worship is seen in how we love God and love other people in totally real, Spirit-led, radical ways. Fasting or other disciplines have a place - one that I need to figure out more - but our worship should not stop here. It's what God does when we deny ourselves and look for more of him in our lives that leads to the real worship he desires from us.
• At a totally non-spiritual level, I really love sweets. This is probably a good spot to mention (in case any strangers who don't know me stumble onto this blog), I am not a gluttonous over eater. I eat a pretty balanced diet, maintain an average weight, and love to get outside for a good hike or even a run (when I am not pregnant). But I do really love sweets, particularly ice cream. 
• I won't do anyone any good if I just get down on myself for the fact that I'm undisciplined. His mercies are new every morning. Bring on month two, let's give this another go.
• We need one another. I am blessed and grateful for the many people in my life who love Jesus and are seeking him with passion. I am encouraged by the ways God is at work in others lives and I need to hear these testimonies, because sometimes, it's just good to know that we're all walking the same journey, each of us in a little different way. Community is not to be taken lightly.

My continued prayer in this 7 adventure is that God would use this journey to make me more like Jesus - open to following him in little and big ways, whatever his Spirit leads me to do. Two experiences this month stay with me: (1) a simple question to the women next to me in the bathroom at Fred Meyer who had obviously been crying - "are you alright? is there anything I can do?" and (2) an offer to bring a meal to a stranger I met at the neighborhood park, who is dealing with a challenging season of life and we happened to connect. These things stand out to me because a couple months ago, I don't think I would have done either of these things. And, I don't think I would have been aware of the Spirit's prompting to open my mouth and say the words that were on my heart. I'm no hero and neither of these actions changed any one's life. I'm not bragging. I'm giving God credit for beginning to open my heart a little bigger so that my eyes are tuned to see the needs of people around me. Come, Lord Jesus.

hello, my name is sara, and I am a cheater

I am a big cheater when it comes to this fasting for a month thing. I never thought I would be so bad at giving up little things like sugar or coffee! Fasting from fast food hasn't been that hard, except for the weekend we were out of town and I ate at Burger Bar. Even avoiding the frozen food section hasn't been difficult - although I don't know that this has helped me simply  my meal planning either. I commend my girlfriends who are going to much greater extremes to live simply in the area of food this month. A chocolate chip cookie here, a cup of half caffeinated coffee there. Yup, a big, fat cheater. There's something to be said for trying not to be legalistic about this. And I've said often in my head that I don't want to be so focused on the actions I am taking that I am missing the heart of what this is about (sacrifice, satisfaction in Christ). But I can't help feel like I'm missing the mark. Not in a "I'm not good enough" kind of way (although that's true, too), but what am I supposed to be getting from all this?

Our family is in a bit of a transition this year. Baby number 2 is on his way (we're delighted), and we're facing some decisions about job changes, potential reduction to a 1 income household as opposed to the 1 1/2 income we currently enjoy, child care arrangements, maybe even a move is in our future. We're talking about cutting our monthly expenses, health insurance needs, how to decorate the baby's room... my head feels about to explode many days. I'm a doer, I work to get things done. I take action. But lately I have felt paralyzed and trapped in an avoidance mindset. I'm not even completely sure how this relates to cutting out sugar. Maybe because I am in a place where I am periodically gripped by something close to panic and ideas spin through my head about myself, my life, my wants. And yet I am trying to use this reduction in food to deny myself, focus on what God is saying to me and rise above the things of this world. But then the here and now stuff needs to be dealt with, too. Where is the balance?

I told you this blog would hold no great theological insight or fancy shmancy answers. Today, I'm a mess. But at least I am a Jesus-loving mess. Or I am trying to be.

denying self

This book has messed with my head. Even though I am supposed to be focusing on food this month, simplifying in that area, I keep thinking about buying local, giving away things I don't really need, gifting a homeless person with a bag full of food, buying clothes made in places where workers receive a fair wage, etc. etc. etc (from the other chapters in the book). Since I finished the book, I'm realizing it's a lot to take in all at once. I find myself speaking passionately about a topic (apologies to my husband who has to listen to the rambling pre-formed thoughts), even while I have little to no clue about what any of it means for my own every day life. Jesus, please don't let me off the hook without responding in real, tangible ways! I want to put feet to the stirrings I feel, but I'm not sure what that looks like.

As far as the food month is going, I'm terrible at this. For the most part, I have stuck with my list of no's (do yogurt covered raisins count as "candy"?), but I want something sugary so badly my mouth waters when I think about it. I realize I depend on a treat a lot more than I ever thought. I have a tedious project to focus on at work, I'll get some chocolate. My daughter was especially rowdy and wiggly at bedtime, I deserve an extra large scoop of ice cream. My favorite show is on and it's more fun to watch with a cookie and milk. Food - and in my case right now, sugar - is constantly on my mind. How can I say I come even sort of close to denying myself in any kind of spiritual sense, when I struggle so much to just deny myself sugar?

My big slip up came this past weekend. We had a long road trip to visit my parents, so right away, my no fast food rule was called in to question. Packing snacks and a lunch just sounded... bleh. I decided a breakfast sandwich from Starbucks and veggie delite from Subway don't count as fast food. I did resist the temptation of a half calf caramel machiatto. So I feel okay about the drive up. However, on the way home, my daughter announced it was time for a bathroom stop right about the time I was starting to look for a Subway. Luckily, there is a Subway at pretty much every exit along the 4 hour drive between our house and my parent's house, so the next exit I saw the familiar sign. I drove down the street, looking hard. And passed Burger Bar. One of those mom and pop shops where there's a crowd outside and you can just tell it's delicious. I kept driving, noting it but eyes still peeled for Subway. The kiddo was saying insistently she had to go to the bathroom, I was looking for Subway... and nothing. No sign of it. So I chocked it up to the necessity of needing to get to a potty and consoled myself with a really yummy cheeseburger, the fact that I did see them put our hamburger patties on the grill fresh out of the fridge, and the comfort that at least I was supporting the small town local economy. This is not as easy as I thought it would be, and I'm not even going to the extreme that my 7 companions are.

I've thought more than once, why am I doing this? What is the point? I'm not sure I have an answer there yet. But one friend suggested the idea of a prayer focus for the month, so I have a dual prayer focus: every time I notice myself craving one of my no items, I'm going to pray about what God wants to teach me through this, as well as for my husband. I've heard many wise wives say that the best thing we can do for our husbands is pray. I'm terrible at this. If there's something big going on, then I rally, but as far as the day to day lifting him up goes, I just don't often think about it. And he's one of my top favorite people, so that's sort of ridiculous. It's been hitting me lately that God is at work in the hearts and lives of people all around me, including my family members. I'd love to become more intentional about seeking to see how God would want to use me in the work He is doing in my own husband's life. What a revolutionary thought.

the 7 adventure

Several weeks ago a friend told me about a book she was reading called 7, by Jen Hatmaker. The subtitle is: "an experimental mutiny against excess." Over the course of 10 months, Jen engaged in a series of 4 week fasts from clothes, spending, waste, food, possessions, media, and stress, respectively. Each month, she went to the extreme and made some radical life alterations - ate only 7 foods, wore only 7 articles of clothing, gave away 7 items for every day of the month, and so on. The purpose? Her prayer was "Jesus, may there be less of me and my junk and more of You and Your kingdom" (pg. 16).

Intrigued? So was I. So I bought the book. I had it shipped to my work, to avoid paying tax. Several other friends were already reading it, so the anticipation of its arrival was great. I ripped it open in my office, and dove in - work cast aside momentarily. Within the first two pages, I alternately laughed out loud, pondered thoughtfully her words, and was moved to tears.
Seven gals from my church are embarking on our own 7 adventure, starting this month: food. Most of my friends are following Jen's example and selecting 7 food items to eat for the entire month (for example, Jen's foods were chicken, avocado, sweet potato, whole wheat bread, spinach, apples, and eggs. Salt, pepper and olive oil were the only permitted additive ingredients). One friend has chosen to fast by eating only the food of a particular ethnic group she has a heart for. This month will be a little different for me, since I am pregnant and it's probably not wise to restrict my diet to 7 food items, since I am hungry all the time and would like to think I eat well enough to give our little guy a wide variety of nutrients. But I will be fasting in my own way:

- No sugar (unless it's an ingredient in an otherwise healthy food item)
- No prepared food from the refrigerated/frozen/boxed food sections
- No fast food
- Permitted beverages: water, OJ, milk

There are a lot of reasons I was drawn to join my friends in this experiment. I'll be honest and say that one reason is that I love these girls so much and respect them greatly. Wanting to join the fun can't always be a bad thing, right?

But I've been wondering for awhile now what it REALLY looks like in suburban America to follow Jesus. The discomfort with living life as we know it ebbs and flows, and probably most days I'm pretty happy with my little Christian life. But then these thoughts pierce me that surely there's more. I don't even really know what more looks like, but it's that nagging question - am I really living the kind of life that Jesus would want me to live? Am I making the kind of impact for his kingdom that he would want me to make? Too often my life looks pretty much like every other suburbanite, Christian or not. I don't think global long term missions is in my immediate path (I think my husband might have a heart attack if I told him I thought God was calling us overseas). So, then, what? What is my part in God's work? Where is he inviting me to join him in what he is doing in the hearts and lives of those in my immediate sphere of influence? And why does it seem like so often the American church (myself included) is just a little bit too American? Are we blending in so much that the Jesus I love is obscurred?

I've started and stopped this blog a couple times now (see my first and only post, dated September 2011). Perhaps now is a good time to resurrect it. Here's the thing though - this blog is mostly for me. I suppose the fact that I am putting it on the internet might contradict that - as my husband pointed out - but really, I just want to write. Even if no one reads it, I am going to keep writing, at least for now. I think writing keeps me honest, it helps me get my thoughts out of my head where they just circle and get all jumbled. And in the case of 7, I'm hoping writing my experiences out will help to hold me accountable. I don't want to be legalistic about 7, but I do want to stick it out and give God a chance to speak. It all feels a little crazy and who knows, maybe this is just one more bandwagon that the church is starting to jump on. My hope and prayer though is that I would be changed to be more like Jesus. That through this my heart would be brought more in line with God's heart and that I would more and more live with hands open for whatever it is that God has in mind for me and my little family. 

So here we go! Feel free to join me, even if only just to shake your head and smile at the ridiculousness of it all.